30 Things We've Leaned in 30 Years of Marriage

Wedding Day

30th Anniversary

 "I'm sorry but I don't love you."  These were the damaging words that tumbled out of my mouth to Ellen the first year we were married.  I cringe when I think about it now.  It's not that we had a horrible marriage but there was a deficit from my side that I desperately wanted to address, but was powerless to do so. 

30 years later, I love her more than ever and I feel more loved by her than I ever have.  Would you like to know our secret?  It's the healing, freeing, powerful grace of God in Christ!  Let me explain. 

30 Things in 30 Years

1. A revelation from the Holy Spirit of Jesus and His Complete Gospel/New Covenant is the foundation for a successful marriage.

2. Intimacy in marriage is rooted in experiencing God's unconditional acceptance of you in Christ.

3. Jesus is your Life and your identity, not your spouse, kids or job.  Not knowing this always leads to relational idolatry.

4. Asking Jesus to live through you to love your spouse every day is the only way marriage will ever work.

5. Communication is one of the biggest challenges. That takes time, intentionality and God's grace.

6. Men and women are designed by God as loving leaders and respectful responders respectively.

7. Almost every problem in a marriage is a result of one or both spouse's fleshly strategies taking over.

8. There is only one answer to the flesh--brokenness, so we can know Christ in us as our Life, in an ever increasing way.

9. Marriage is one of God's greatest vehicles to break you, i.e. to reveal the bankruptcy of your flesh and to free you from it.

10. Conflict is inevitable, but reconciliation is always possible because Christ is in us.

11. Forgiving your spouse every time is essential.

12. Not asking for forgiveness when you have hurt your spouse is not only prideful but puts undue pressure on the relationship.

13. Speaking the truth in love to your spouse about their fleshly behavior is not easy but is often necessary as the Holy Spirit leads you. As a result, both of you can grow.

14. Yielding your rights to God prevents you from living in constant disappointment and hurt.  E.g. The right for your spouse to meet your deepest need for love.  Only Jesus can do that.

15. You are not responsible to make your spouse happy but you are responsible to love and respect him/her.

16. When a spouse shares a problem, unless they ask for it,  they are not looking for a fix but a listening and understanding heart.

17. Christ living through both parents, not just one, is the best way to raise your kids. 

18. Time away from the kids is an act of love that will help you feel closer to each other. This includes taking your wife on a date at least once a month which is up to the husband. (And will keep your wife sane!)

19. Though not the most important, marital sex is important for a healthy marriage.

20. It takes time and God's grace to accept, but He knew exactly what He was doing when He put you with a spouse's personality type, totally the opposite of yours.

21. Don't talk about weighty matters past 8pm.

22. If you have been offended by your spouse, talk about it right then and do not let much time go by.

23. It's OK to feel frustrated, angry and express emotion with your spouse but it is not OK to spew hurtful words or actions out of your anger, frustration or strong  emotion.

24. Be on the same page about how to handle your finances using a budget.  (Suggestion: Financial Peace by Dave Ramsey)

25. "Different" is not necessarily "wrong". (Such as having your shirts hung on hangers pointing left is "different" but not "wrong" if they are hung pointing right)

26. Do stuff together (activities) as this gives opportunity for social, emotional growth and enrichment with each other.

27. Do stuff apart (activities) as this gives opportunity to let your relationship breathe and minister to others.

28. Learn your love language and your spouse's love language.  (See The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman)

29. Know and understand your spouse's temperament and yours, along with how they complement one another and how they may conflict. (Read Tim LaHaye's The Four Temperaments)

30. When you want to communicate with your spouse, make sure you have their undivided attention.  In this day and age, miscommunication is an epidemic due to T.V., mobile phones, IPads and other technological devices. Make sure all of these are down when communicating with your spouse.

                    

Need help in your marriage?  Want to help your healthy marriage grow even stronger?  Come to our Marriage by Grace Retreat led by our Vice-President and his wife, our Financial Assistant, Bill and Tonda Layle.  The story of how God's grace healed their failing marriage will inspire you.  And their teaching on marriage will give you grace based tools which are powerful but founded on grace, not trying harder to be a better spouse.  Please see the info in the sidebar.

Believe it.  It's the Gospel.

Live Free In Christ,

Mark Maulding, President and Founder

www.GraceLifeInternational.com All Content Copyright © 2014 Mark Maulding

Surprising Self-worth!

A few years ago, a New York family spent a leisurely Saturday perusing yard sales.  A small 5 inch white bowl caught their eye, but they were only willing to give $3 for it.  It sat on a shelf in their home for six years and was probably used to hold candy.  Eventually, the owners became curious about its value and took it to have it appraised.  To their surprise, they were in possession of a 1000 year old rare "Ding" bowl from the Northern Song Dynasty of China.  Sotheby's presented it for auction on behalf of the family where it sold for a whopping $2.2 million dollars!  This makes me want to go to a yard sale right now!

As you ponder that story, which value do you place on yourself?  Do you constantly think of yourself as a $3 common bowl, a $2.2 million dollar treasure or somewhere in-between?  I suppose, for all of us, it depends on who is doing the appraising.  Most often, we consider the opinions of others, along with our own performance and appearance to be what determines our value.  If we perform well and others think well of us, we give ourselves high value.  If the opposite is true, we give ourselves minimal value.  At the end of the day, the value of anything or anybody is determined by what someone is willing to give to purchase it.  Right? 

Why don't we stop for a moment and let God appraise you?  As He looks you over, He thinks, then He looks some more and finally He writes down His estimation of you.  His answer?  He is willing to give His only Son, Jesus Christ, so He can purchase you!  YOU, are as valuable to Him as His Son!  He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him over for us all, how will He not also with Him freely give us all things? Romans 8:32.

It's not that we are worthy of salvation through our works.  We are not.  However, God has assigned worth and value to us as demonstrated by the gift of His Son.   The question then is this:  Do you place the same value on yourself as God does?  If so, pray something  like this to your Father. 

Father, because You gave the most valuable possession You had when you gave Your Son to die for me, You have made clear that I have great worth in Your eyes.  Thank You!  As a result, because You say I have great worth, I agree with You and say back to You that I have great worth, no matter how I feel today or how I have performed this week. Amen.

Believe it!  It's the Gospel!

Live Free In Christ,

Mark Maulding, President and Founder

www.GraceLifeInternational.com All Content Copyright © 2014 Mark Maulding

When Brushing Your Teeth is an Act of Righteousness

I want you to imagine for a moment two large wooden boxes in your home.  When you peer inside the first one, you see it filled all the way to the top with the foulest smelling garbage ever.  As you examine the second one, you find it contains beautiful golden coins but they scarcely fill the bottom.  In a similar way, we often keep two boxes in our minds.  In the first box, we place our actions we believe are sinful, thinking this one is always filled to the brim.  In the other box, we place the actions we believe are righteous, thinking it barely fills the bottom.

This kind of thinking is "stinkin thinkin."   It is a result of misunderstanding gospel.  This commonly preached version of the gospel has convinced many us that our hearts are sinful through and through, even though we are in Christ.   Scriptures like Jeremiah 17:9 are used as proof.  "The heart is more deceitful than all else and is desperately sick; Who can understand it?"  Yet, this is a reference to our former heart (identity) in Adam.

The genuine Gospel unveils quite a different and encouraging reality.  We have been given a new heart according to Ezekiel 36:26.  "I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh."  This new heart is a heart of stone, meaning it is not sinful.  It has been replaced through our death, burial and resurrection with Jesus.  This new heart "of flesh", is soft and always desires to live a righteous life.  This new heart is our identity in Christ, a righteous and holy identity. (Hebrews 8:10)  That is why we can say that our deepest desire it to live a life which pleases God. 

In addition, we have the Holy Spirit in us to fill us with the life of Jesus.  Every time we depend on Him to live His life through us, whatever we are doing, that action is an act of righteousness.   "For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain."   (Philippians 1:21)  We were designed by God to really live when Christ is living through us!  John 10:10 says, "I have come that they may have life and have it in abundance."

On the other hand, whenever we are not depending on Him to live through us, whatever we do is an act of sin.  Romans 15:23b says, "Whatever is not from faith is sin."  When we are not doing something by faith, that is, when we are not relying on Christ to do it through us, it is sinful, even if we doing something good like serving in our local church.

Why don't we all change our focus to the real gospel? Every day, let's ask the Holy Spirit to fill us with the love and life of Jesus, so He can live through us moment by moment.  As we do, we will realize our box of righteousness is much fuller than we might have previously thought!  Why?  Because everything we do will be an act of righteousness.  When we pray and read our Bible, that will be an act of righteousness.  When we drive to work, that will be an act of righteousness.  When we do our job, that will be an act of righteousness.  When we eat our lunch, that will be an act of righteousness.  And when we brush our teeth after lunch, even that will be an act of righteousness!

Live Free In Christ,

Mark Maulding, President and Founder

www.GraceLifeInternational.com All Content Copyright © 2014 Mark Maulding

The Surprise of God's Wrath on a Nation In the Context of Grace

Many may be surprised at this, but God's wrath that comes on a nation is the result of the majority rejecting Him as their Creator Who loves them and wants a relationship with them. His wrath is revealed not by what He does to them but what He permits them to do to themselves. He permits these things to happen by the removal of His grace which was like a fence holding them back from certain sins. Once He removes those fences, that nation will begin to destroy it's own social structure. In this increasingly hopeless situation the good news is that Jesus Christ still desires to forgive and come live in every person who sincerely invites Him. No matter how much a nation or individual has messed up their lives, He still loves them and desires to be intimate with them. This intimacy with Him always results in transformation both personally and nationally. There is always hope in Him! If you wonder where I got this from, read Romans chapter 1 in the Bible.

Live Free In Christ,

Mark Maulding, President and Founder

www.GraceLifeInternational.com All Content Copyright © 2014 Mark Maulding

Every Thought We Have Is Not Our Own

It is so encouraging to know that not every thought entering our mind is our own and to be able to tell ourself that. Because of this, it's also good to know that since feelings follow our thoughts, not every feeling we have is the truth. We have an enemy who wages war against our souls but we have a gospel which gives us understanding in how to discern what is true and what is not

Live Free In Christ,

Mark Maulding, President and Founder

www.GraceLifeInternational.com All Content Copyright © 2014 Mark Maulding but feel free to pass it on

10 Gifts God Gives for Personal Happiness

The mere mention of the song "Happiness is the Truth" by Pharrell Williams should immediately cause you to break out singing this wildly popular hit song.  It's been featured in the movie Despicable Me 2, commercials, singing competitions, news shows, and more.  I also think one of the reasons it was No. 1 on the Billboard Hot 100 list for 10 consecutive weeks was that it touched a desire God placed in every human soul: the desire to be happy.

Yet, you have probably been taught as a Christ-follower that happiness and joy aren't the same.   If you mean happiness based on the "happenings" of life, then that is true.  However, when considered in Biblical context, I'm not sure they are different.  You may have also been taught you are not supposed to focus on being happy but on being holy.  Yet, the more I understand the New Covenant, the more I'm convinced these aren't mutually exclusive.  Why?  In one sense, holiness is simply living life the way God intended.  It would seem then that the more you do that, the happier you will be.  Of course, many have their own ideas of what makes them happy that are far from God's ideas.  Let's see if we can discover together in the story of creation what God originally provided for your happiness.  

1. Himself:  When God breathed into Adam, He breathed Himself into him.  His intent in creating each of us has always been to be intimate with us by living inside of us so He could love us and show us how wonderful He is.  He also intended to live through us to reveal Himself to others.   Genesis 2:7 describes this and is similar to Jesus breathing on the disciples in John 20:22. 
2.  Identity:  When God created Adam, Genesis 1:27 says, He created him in his own image.  This means you were created with a God-centered identity.  Though Adam's identity was stolen in Genesis 3, Jesus came to give it back to all who believe in Him.  2 Corinthians 5:17
3. Forgiveness:  After Adam and Even sinned, God came looking for them.  Afterwards, He banished them from the Garden but before He did, He killed animals and covered them with their skins for clothing.  This was the first sacrifice for the forgiveness of sins and was pointing to the ultimate sacrifice, Jesus Christ's death on the cross, which would provide past, present and future forgiveness to all who believe.  Genesis 3:21, Colossians 2:13, Hebrews 10:17-18
4. Companionship:  When God said, "It is not good for man to be alone", He formed a wife for Adam from his rib.  However, this speaks of a truth larger than just marriage. You were made to be in satisfying relationship with a group of people starting with your spouse(unless God has called you to be single).  Married or single, you were made to enjoy human connection on a deep level.  Genesis 2:18-25
5. Children:  God intended for most of us to have children so He could have others to live in and through.  In a fallen world, some have experienced anything but happiness in raising their children.  Yet, God originally intended for them to be a blessing.  Also, even those who don't have children may often enjoy their family or friend's children.  Genesis 1:28; Psalm 127:3
6. Animals: God gave us animals to take care of and to enjoy.  If you've ever owned a dog or cat, you know how special they can be to you.  You also know how much sorrow you feel when they die.  Maybe that is why there will be animals in the new heaven and earth that we are going to inhabit.  Genesis 2:19-20.  Isaiah 11:6-9
7. Creation:  God gave Adam a beautiful earth and breathtaking stars to gaze upon.  Why do you enjoy fall leaves, geological formations, mountains, the ocean, a river, a sunset and the stars?  It's because God gave those to us to enjoy and to see Him reflected in it.  That may be why many people feel close to God when they are in nature.   Genesis 1:1-19
8. Work:  God gave Adam a specific job to do - to cultivate and keep the garden.  Genesis 2:15.  According to Ephesians 2:10, you were uniquely designed by God to do specific jobs which include good works in your time on this earth.  Do you know what you are designed to do?  If not, find out for a very small fee at www.placeministries.org.  It will help you understand why you keep being drawn to certain activities.
9. Food:  God created a smorgasbord of tasty nutritious food.  Adam and Eve were given carte blanche permission from God to eat any of the hundreds of fruit and vegetables in the garden any time they wanted (except for one).  When the majority of the food we eat is a variety of God-made food rather than man-made food, we will typically feel a lot better physically and emotionally.  Genesis 1:29; 2:16-17.
10. Land/Home:  In Genesis 2:8, we are told, "The Lord God planted a garden toward the east, in Eden; and there He placed the man whom He had formed."   The desire to have your own home whether a house, condo, cabin, apartment or tent, is not rooted in the American dream.  It comes from God.  So much so, that the Scriptures speak of God having a home for you in God's house after you die.  John 14:2-3

As you just read about all God gave to provide for your happiness, are you enjoying them?

Here are a few other comments as I conclude.  Did you notice that this is a God-centered happiness instead of a man-centered happiness?  Unless you are enjoying 1 - 3 in light of the New Covenant, the remainder will provide only fleeting happiness.  On the other hand, if 1 - 3 are in place, you can enjoy the others more than you could ever imagine.  You can enjoy God-centered happiness without having all of 4-10 such as children or animals.  The world, your flesh and the devil have the goal of twisting all 10 of these to make you miserable.

Believe it! It's the Gospel!

Live Free In Christ,

Mark Maulding, President and Founder

www.GraceLifeInternational.com All Content Copyright © 2014 Mark Maulding

Robin Williams and How to Deal with Depression

Robin Williams shocked the world this week when he committed suicide.  He is one of the last people anyone would have ever thought was depressed.  It just goes to show that depression can be something people share openly or hide secretly.   As a result, I am dedicating this article to those who suffer mild, moderate or severe depression, especially Christians.

Depression is something everyone experiences at some point in their lives. Did you know that many well-known people struggled with depression such as Abraham Lincoln, Martin Luther, James Taylor and Charles Spurgeon? 

There are also some great characters in the Bible who experienced depression.   They include the Prophet Elijah, Hannah, King David and the Apostle Paul.  As you can see, depression is a condition which is blind to wealth, notoriety, achievements or beliefs.

Sadly, most Christians don't want to talk about their depression because they believe that if they trusted God enough, they would not be depressed. That can be true but it is not necessarily valid in all situations.

If you identify with a majority of these symptoms, you are most likely depressed.

1.  Ongoing feelings of sadness or irritability.

2.  Loss of interest or pleasure in activities.

3.  Changes in weight or appetite.

4.  Changes in sleeping patterns.

5.  Feeling guilty or worthless.

6.  Inability to concentrate, remember things or make decisions.

7.  Fatigue or loss of energy.

8.  Restlessness or sluggishness.

9.  Thoughts of suicide.

10. Unexplained or heightened physical pains.

11. Intermittent or prolonged anxiety.

To be open and vulnerable, I have at some point in my life experienced the different types of depression that I am about to list. You may have too or you may know someone who has. Simply put, these types are Non-biological and Biological.  Let's take a look at each.

Non-biological depression can be caused for a number of reasons such as difficult circumstances, not being a believer in Christ, being overworked consistently, attempting to get your love and acceptance needs met apart from Jesus, performing to measure up instead of resting in your righteousness in Christ, rejection, trying to be perfect, unforgiveness, unresolved guilt, unyielded rights, not understanding the New Covenant, spiritual oppression, prolonged disappointment, failure and more.

How can you deal with non-biological depression? The best thing you can do is to resolve the spiritual conflicts within you - most often with good grace-based Biblical counseling. We see God work to bring healing in many depressed people's lives each week in our counseling ministry, Grace Life International. If you are interested in having a consultation, we provide live and Skype counseling for people. For more info, visit our web site at www.GraceLifeInternational.com or call us at 704-522-9026.  We may also be able to refer you to one of our counseling associates elsewhere.

I encourage you to read a wonderful book, "Conquering Depression" by Bill and Anabel Gillham.

Biological depression is such that counseling, praying, reading your Bible, knowing your identity in Christ, or setting your mind on Biblical truth will not alleviate it.  As a doctor friend once told me, "You can't think you way out of this kind of depression." Some of the reasons for biological depression include illnesses which change the body chemistry such as a stroke, side-effects of some medications, drug or alcohol abuse, extreme fatigue, hormone imbalance, and heredity.

What can help with biological depression? Thank God that we live in a time when there are both natural and traditional medications to help with this kind of depression.  See your doctor to discuss your options for this kind of treatment. And listen Christian!  There is no need to feel guilty or ashamed if you need to take a natural or prescription medication for depression. Would you feel this way if you had to take thyroid medication? Of course not!  So don't let those feelings prevent you from seeing your doctor.  Also, let me say that in our experience, some people cannot deal with the spiritual causes of depression until they get some help from medication to get their brain chemistry back on track.  Afterwards, some are able to stop their meds with their doctor's help while others may need to remain on them for the rest of their lives.

There are many books on biological depression to help you understand the role of brain chemistry, hormones, blood sugar, medications and more.  Though you will need to disregard the evolutionary bent, one such book is "The Broken Brain: The Biological Revolution in Psychiatry" by Nancy C. Andreasen.

Most of all, pray for God to heal your depression and to guide you to the best counseling or treatment for you. He does not want you to remain in depression.  He loves you and He is for you.  2 Corinthians 7:6 says, "But God, who comforts the depressed, comforted us in the coming of Titus." (NASB)  Also, tell someone.  Secrecy is a mighty weapon Satan wields against God's children.

Finally, if you don't have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, talk to Him and ask Him to forgive you for your sins and to come live inside you.

Live Free In Christ,

Mark Maulding, President and Founder

www.GraceLifeInternational.com All Content Copyright © 2014 Mark Maulding